To make one’s self vulnerable to the seduction of difference, to seek an encounter
with the Other, does not require that one relinquish forever one’s mainstream
positionality. When race and ethnicity become commodified as resources for pleasure,
the culture of specific groups, as well as the bodies of individuals, can be seen as
constituting an alternative playground where members of dominating races, genders,
sexual practices affirm their power-over in intimate relations with the Other.
I always ask people to be ‘TOUGH & AMBITIOUS’ & demand it from myself, I tell myself to be tough & ambitious, but I don’t want to be so tough & ambitious that I lose sight & have so much regrets later in life on any aspects within my life.
Maybe this kind of thinking was inspired to be by many very successful figures that had regrets at later stages of their lives for the way they had led their lives. We`may envied them for what they represented, in our eyes they embodied the peak of human achievement, happiness,success & were making tons of money, that is what we saw from outside, but what was happening inside was very different; they had epic battles taking place.
The biggest regret people have very late at/in their lives has something to do with ‘Human Relationships’; walking away from the love of your life because it wasn’t the right time, being absent from the birth of your child, or during your child’s first soccer game/dance/party/graduation or whatever activity or thing that was very important to them and they needed you there to celebrate their success, but you decided not to show up due to the head ruling you over matters of love. Same goes for not being there for your significant other.
You will discover at your death bed that it was your loved ones who will really make/made all the difference, not all your incredible achievements, successes, wealth, and all those stuff.
Am not saying we should be less ambitious, but try to make a balance, and pray that God gives us insight on what really matters.
In Islam we have a hadith narrated from the prophet (PBUH) that says “You have a duty to your Lord, you have a duty to your body, and you have a duty to your family, so you should give each one its rights.” , so what we need is to make balance, be fair, & give all parties their rights.
There’s no depth in many of the relationships taking place around us anymore, commitment and having a meaningful relationship are off the table. How hot a couple might be feeling towards each other is linked temporarily to that moment they are in; when both of are in the state of being ‘HORNY’, and that particular moment when both of them are ‘AROUSED’ beyond control and the mind seems foggy and the one remedy and solution is to F***! No wonder that some marriages now last about two, three months & sometimes less than that! There were no solid foundations those relationships were built on, other than that burning desire, no one knows why they had chosen their partner!
It’s just a mating and an intercourse taking place between a ‘COCK’ & a ‘CUNT’, and when they are done, and their hunger has subsided they see no reason to prolong the relationship or take it to another level. It’s not a relationship that is meant to be a ‘FOREVER’.
After both had went their separate ways what if that cock and cunt are feeling starved once again and hunger is eating them alive?! What happens then?! I don’t know, but maybe they will repeat the cycle with other cocks and cunts, and they will be living in that cycle where long term relationships, commitment, family, love and marriage becomes of less importance and everyone is hooked on getting between/under sheets and to just do it!
Nancy was sitting at the kitchen table sipping her coffee and reading an article about how to spice one’s sex live in the magazine, and she was surprised at the weirdness of the tips, the sexy lingerie’s they wore, it barely covered anything, of how the female models positioned themselves with the men in the photos, it left no room for the imagination and it looked as if they were having a real intercourse with one another except that they weren’t actually doing it, she asked herself if she ever after 20 something years of marriage can get doing this feeling comfortable with her husband?!
The magazine and the photos made her insides melt, she then put it aside and continued enjoying her coffee, then said to herself ‘Matt wouldn’t want me to be that sexy for him, see me in outfit that exposed all my feminine parts, he prefers to be lewd with his whores!’
Suddenly her twin children appeared; Daniele & Isabella, she thanked God for having them in her life, if not for them she wouldn’t had stayed married to Matt for a day longer.
Each dropped a kiss on one of her cheeks, and she held their faces close to hers returned the kiss and ran her nose across their face smelling them like she did when they were babies; they had the most adorable scent now and back then.
‘I don’t think you have university today, where are going to?’She asked them
The two spoke spontaneously like they always do ‘We were invited by some friends ‘The Hamilton’s’, and we will spend the day in their new yacht.’
‘Oh! The papa is bragging and showing off! I wonder what sort of criminal act did he engage in to land such huge money?!’
They laughed and then Isabella mentioned to her mom that he works in diversified businesses and makes investments in many ventures.
‘Unlike your papa, when it comes to ‘The Field of Law’ he is a devoted monk!’
They took their sandwiches with them and went on their way.
‘Drive safely, and no irresponsible acts or behaviours.’
‘Yeah, mom, we know!’ Said
She got up and went upstairs, to her kids room first, the cleaner will tidy their rooms but she loves tidying them anyway, she picked some books on her daughters bed, then returned the books to the shelve, opened the window, and went out to her son’s room, his room was like a circus when he was a kid and even now, she picked his socks, shoes, pants, shirts, tidied his bed, picked his laptop & guitar from the floor, and then opened the windows, and went off to her room.
Once she was at her bedroom’s door her chest became tight and her heart dropped, her hands on the door knob, she paused for awhile, before opening the door forcefully, this is the one room that she doesn’t like tidying or staying in!
She sat on one of the chairs, and stared at the bed remembering what happened four nights before. Matt was out and he arrived home very late, she didn’t notice that he came in, only felt his hands parting her legs, before he thrust himself into her body, he kept sliding in and out of her as if he was getting rid of something, and few minutes later it all finished, he stood by the bed side took his cloth off, and slept beside her naked, then her body started shaking, she was having orgasms, she touched his shoulder but he had already went into deep sleep, her body then became feverish, she got up, went to the bathroom and took a shower, when she came back her husband’s mobile was thrown on the floor, she picked it up, and then suddenly a text message appeared, it was from someone called ‘Horny’ and it said ‘Don’t tell me you wasted that precious erection again on her?!’ Her face blushed, she felt humiliated and raged, then she kept reading the texts, the earlier one said ‘Am turned on and you know how bad that is for me when you aren’t around, please come now I need you’, then she understood why her husband was so horny awhile ago that he didn’t mind ‘Fucking her while being asleep.’, she kept reading the messages, then after she finished, went again to the bathroom and began vomiting, she was sick, shaking and angry, then her head and heart started to ache, ten years of cheating and she keeps living in hell, she started sobbing until the morning. There were extreme knocks and kicking at the door and she felt she is in a dream, she woke up and found herself sleeping on the bathroom floor, so he didn’t even bother to check on her, and here he was preparing himself for his sluts and work.
She picked herself up, washed her face, and opened the door, he bent forward to drop a kiss, she avoided him saying ‘I was sick last night.’
She sat in the study until he left, at noon she heard a voice and she went out to see who it was , standing at the door was the most beautiful male she had ever seen, tall, blonde, wide shoulders, a well built body, long muscled legs and a narrow waist, he was a work of art, he smiled , and then looked intensely at her, it was as if he liked what he saw, she felt like ‘Shit’, and there she was being lustfully stared at by a young man, she wondered what did he see in her that didn’t catch Matt’s attention?!
Nancy looked down at herself, she completely had forgotten that she is wearing her night gown, her breasts were exposed, the gown was short, very transparent, and she wasn’t wearing anything else underneath it.
Embarrassed she shut the study door, heart beating and barely able to breathe, she kept her back to the door, he talked to the maid, and then the door was closed.
Nancy moved to the window held the curtain to one side, and looked at him as he was leaving, as if he sensed someone was staring at him, he looked back and waved his hand at her!
For the last ten years of her marriage Matt kept cheating on her, they argued and fought, separated for awhile, and even were on the verge of divorce, he then promised her that he will not cheat on her again, and he will be a faithful and loving husband. But it only got worse, and the more richer and powerful he got, the more perverted he became.
The love in their marriage ended, and there was no more sex either, and Nancy was glad, she couldn’t bear him touching her or being inside her body. She stayed in the marriage for her twins; she was going to protect them no matter what even if it meant staying with a cheating husband she doesn’t love or desire anymore.
‘Am Patrick!’ A voice said from above her shoulder
She knew who that voice belonged to, she removed the hat from over her face, she was wearing a bikini by the pool side, it was as if she is destined to meet him whenever she is having minimum cloth on!
She doesn’t know how long had he stood there watching her, and didn’t bother to cover herself. She looked at him wondered if she would feel again the same way she did the other day.
‘How can I help you?!’ She asked.
‘Am looking for Mr. Matt, they need him at the firm, and when they couldn’t be reach him on his phone, I was sent.’
So he is spending the day with his slut who loves his erections. Her gaze moved from Patrick’s shoes to his legs, then she saw a bulge at the front of his trousers, just like she didn’t bother to cover herself he stood right in front of her not ashamed of his arousal.
She stood up walking away towards the house and said to him in aloud angry tone ‘Well you are wasting your time here, he isn’t around.’
She wanted to shout back at him and say ‘You will find him with his sluts.’
But then she turned around and found him staring at her bottom, her cheeks blushing she said to him ‘Am not his secretary!’
For the following days she kept seeing Patrick every, and then saw him again while she was spending her day with her friends, he was sitting in the cafe opposite to her, she was wearing a very revealing summer dress, after he came into her life she threw all her wardrobe away and bought sexy and more feminine wardrobe, she went to where he was sitting and confronted him saying ‘Are you following me?!’
‘Yes.’ Said Patrick
He threw her off balance, she was counting on him denying and then arguing with him, not to be so blatant.
‘You deserve a better man!’
‘Stay out of my way, is this how you make your living, chasing women whom their husband’s are having a mid life crisis!’
‘Some people need to be saved from themselves Nancy, and am here to do that for you!’
She shook her head and left him.
She kept seeing more of him for the next months and she avoided him completely, then her daughter made remarks about him, she told her to stay away from him and concentrate on her life.
‘Do you think he is bad?! Bad men are sexy mom!’
‘Bella watch your mouth!’
She confronted her husband with the text messages she saw, that he broke his oath not cheating on her, and he didn’t deny, he told her it comes with the changes in his life. Then told her that he will not beg her again to forgive him and she can do whatever she wants.
She found a job with the help of her friends and moved out of the house, she was always good with numbers, it was a job in a big accounting firm, and she enrolled herself at the university.
One night as she was having dinner with her best friend she told her that she wanted to do something thrilling, her friend recommended a ‘Dancing Class’ for her, and told her that maybe she will meet the man of her life while learning new moves and burning calories!
She registered herself at a night class and thought of bringing her kids, but they told her they already had plans but will come to see her, at the class the teacher told them to pair up, she was the only one left without a partner, her Spanish dancing teacher came to her aid saying ‘ We can dance together!’
Then she heard the voice that had never left her for months now ‘No need, I don’t have a partner too, so we can team up!’
Once in his arms she was tense for the first few minutes, then later on her body relaxed and let him guide her, they kept moving together, she was unaware of everything except this man who made her feel so ‘Alive’ since the first day they had met.
Later at night she let him accompany her back to home, while walking they talked, he told her that he is an orphan, he doesn’t know his father, his mother committed suicide after some of her lovers whom were drug dealers hooked her on drugs and turned her into a prostitute.
‘I guess she couldn’t stand being used by the men she has loved starting from my dad, then later on her lovers who were concealing their true identity and occupation, hooking her up on drugs, then after they got bored with her, and she become of no value to them introduced her to prostitution, she couldn’t take what they did to her and what she had become, so she then decided to end her story her way.’
‘Each day I keep asking myself why had she given up on herself and me? Why didn’t she fight back?!’
Suddenly she came into a halt, opened her arms and hugged him tightly, he was sobbing openly, and she held him tight in her arms, he needed someone to reassure him that they are there for him, and that he won’t be let down just like what happened to his mom, they stood like this for awhile.
‘Sometimes when we are panicked, with not so many options, and in dangerous situations, the mind gives us only two options ‘Fight/Flight’, some are very vulnerable, alone, scared, they chose not to fight, they chose the exit door, they want to run away from pain, and put an end to their misery.’ Nancy said to him
They finally arrived to her building, she invited him, and he seemed reliefed that she did, she played music, they cooked together, while dancing when they found a chance and sang happily , they seemed like lifelong friends, they set the table at the balcony, the sight was breathtaking, and she had grown various plants and roses, the balcony had become one amazing garden.
They talked about everything, politics, music, movies, their likes and dislikes, they even danced again together, at the very first hours of the morning he left her after placing a kiss inside her palm.
At work she kept and held that hand he kissed all day next to her heart during, their evenings now ended with him walking with her to home, them cooking together, eating together, chatting, dancing, listening to music, reading books, watching movies, and enjoying being with each other.
After her divorce he proposed to her, he left working at Matt’s firm, he now gives various coaching lessons on life, dancing and many other things, she hesitated at first because of the age difference, but he convinced her that it doesn’t mean anything for him.
‘Am fifty, won’t you want children?!’
‘Am in my thirties and strong like a bull, am sure we will make babies together.’
‘Stop joking, am serious!’ She said
He looked at her and said ‘All men aren’t like Matt, am not Matt, I won’t cheat on you, and I will always love you.’
They married, and her children and friends were there, she was very happy and she knew she had found the love of her life.
At their room in the hotel she stood in front of him naked, she wanted to see his reaction towards a woman that is fifty, a belly that had carried babies, breasts that had gone into motherhood, and body that isn’t as young as his.
He ran his eyes over her entire body lingering his gaze on her most feminine and womanly parts, his hands and lips stroked and loved her, and with his passion he showed her how much he was crazy about her.
His voice was hoarse as he said ‘I made an oath that I will never be with a woman except with the bond of marriage, and that I will not do to any woman what some men did to my mother. I have saved myself for the right woman, and you are the right woman.’
Then they kissed and touched each other feverishly and hungrily, his erection pressing into her aching center, and their tongues going into a tango dance.
Being a woman is tough, being African is equally tough, & then comes the toughest of all the tough that ever existed; being an ‘African Somali Woman/Girl/Female’!
They say if you had never had a taste of something say ‘Freedom’ for example then if during your life you then lose that something/freedom, you will never know what you’ve lost or what you’re missing!
The Patriarchy, society, clan, culture, tradition & everything around you takes all your rights & then puts it in the hands of ‘Men’, no woman/girl has ever moved/progressed or made a break through within a Somali society without male approval, those that don’t get such approval & blessings are deemed by the patriarchy & society as outcasts, & they must live by the margins, because they revolted against joining the herd, they said no to ‘Domestication’, then that the sentence the society & patriarchy hands them is; ‘No Life’ for those who say no to our way of living!
But truth is; it is a big honour, bravery & courageous act to reject such false existence & everything that count, view or treat you as a human being, one has got every right to choose the way of life that best suits them, a life that one regards & acknowledges as the only righteous way to live. Every day you spend away from being immersed in such falsification is counted as ‘A new birth’ for those who had escaped it.
This story takes place in the nineties, about some Somali women, it will make you wonder how did they figure out that something is/was wrong with their men? & that their ‘Sex Life’ sucks! At a time when everything were in shambles in Somalia, & there’s so little every where, no jobs, but some wives were desperate about their marriages & the relationships they were having, those women who had no proper education, or didn’t even master their own language ‘Somali’ let alone any other international language, yet they felt that something is horrible/terrible & that their relationships with their men is/was wrong, uneducated women: so the chances that they had educated themselves via any other resource regarding that they’re having wrong or dull intimacy with their men is, zero. Also no one told them & they weren’t informed in any other way or through/by any medium.
‘None had seen or read any magazine or even a fiction work on intimacy’, & there’s no internet, but some of those simple uneducated women had a gut feeling & their intuition informed them that they aren’t having a ‘Proper Sex Life’!
It’s a fine day, late June, the air is warm & little Haboon just had today half a day at school, rest of the classes were cancelled. Haboon a 17 year old girl, tall for her age, thin & very beautiful arrives at her aunt’s house, she’s an orphan & her aunt took her in. She drops her school bag at her room that she shares with the maid (In Somali tradition often the maid is considered as part of the family-maids don’t have separate rooms), today was unusual, house seems empty, all doors closed, no sound coming out from any one of them. Haboon feels nervous & tense, something strange was taking place & she felt sudden unease in her belly.
She went into the kitchen, & to her surprise her aunt & many other women were all there, all of a sudden the place has become as the living room for them, some were chatting, some were chanting songs, some chopping onions, other washing dishes, drying them, others cutting/mincing meat, others cooking, everyone was occupied doing something, yet talking & singing at the same time, & the kitchen had become a ‘Women’s Congress’
Haboon stood beside Kaltun the maid & asked her what’s going on, whispering she told her ‘Your aunt Nora is getting divorced!’
She raised her eyebrow saying ‘Again!’
Her aunt Nora was the naughty & spoiled girl in the family, there were others who were spoiled too, but no one could in any way take the first place/rank from her, she’s the ‘Crowned Queen’ for the naughty & spoiled girls in the family! She knew from her aunt’s talk that this marriage wasn’t meant to last(Nora’s marriage), & the husband too was his mommy’s spoiled boy, so no two spoiled spouse’s can endure one another & live under the same roof!
She looked at her aunt Nora who was fully dressed in her jewellery, with full makeup, & in her most expensive outfit, she didn’t seem sad or depressed for the record, on the contrary she’s very thrilled & chanting love songs where other women had joined her too finishing every line for her! Either she’d gone mad or maybe divorce isn’t that bad after all!
Then she paid a closer look to the woman who took her in her; aunt Suad, she was very quiet, & then she stood up & sat beside her sister Nora & other women, & then said ‘Aren’t you any sad?’
Nora looked laughingly at her & said ‘I really want this to be over!’
Suad didn’t leave her she continued saying ‘Aren’t you going to miss him in bed & all the other things?’
Nora said ‘Miss what?! The hot metal rod he used to put inside me?! God forbid, no, am not going to miss that!’ Then she added ‘I thought something was wrong with my first husband, but I found out that they’re all like that!’
Hibo their friend said in a sad low tone ‘There’s no love, welcome to marriage, that’s how things work, & they’ll put a solid stick inside you!’
Nora said to them ‘I thought that he’ll change after I confronted him that I no longer want to stay with him, but it was the same!’
Her sister looked at her & said ‘Would you like us to import foreign men from abroad like we do with everything else here (All the goods)?!’ She punched her saying ‘Those are the men we’ve! Take them or leave them!’
Nora said ‘Most of the time he never undressed me!’
Suad looked at her & said ‘Why do you think you’re the only one?!’ She continued peeling some potatoes & then said to her ‘Khadar called me awhile ago correct? Do you know what he wanted from me? Sex! We did it on the floor fully dressed, no sweet talk, romance, gazing into the eyes or touching, & here I’m cooking his meal! Grow up; this is how it’s like for all the women here.’
Hibo came to her rescue saying ‘But not everyone can live like that & that’s why Nora is leaving her husband. We need more women like Nora.’
Nora looked at her & said ‘You need someone who talks about our loveless, dull, boring, unromantic marriages everywhere to save the rest of the women!’
‘Talk about yourself, I won’t destroy my marriage for some delusions you’ve about what the relationship between men & women ought to be like, am happy just the way my life is.’ Saud said to her.
Their friend Hibo said ‘Do you think anyone will marry you after being divorced for so many times?’
Nora laughed at her saying ‘My type is the preferred type of woman for all men, & I’ll be getting married in few months time, just watch!’
Laila another friend who was sitting nearby said ‘I don’t think another man will pick you, & maybe our men are fine & you’re the one who got something wrong with her?!’
‘What because I repelled against, & said no to more nights of metal rods inside my genitalia, no love, no whispering of any love words, no showing of emotions, then my husband falls beside me like a dead body without uttering a single word, not saying that was great, I enjoyed it, doing or saying anything else.’ She then added in a more icily tone ‘Yes, there’s something wrong with me, am saying enough for me being treated as an animal. I want my humanity & femininity back.’
Laila looked at both sisters & then said to Nora ‘If your husband hears you & is informed about your sinful whims he’ll think you got other men in your life!’
‘I got another brain not other men, a brain & soul that refuses to remain in this marriage, but you won’t understand because you never had one & will never get one!’ She said in a cynical tone.
‘Do what makes you happy? What you feel is right for you? & let’s pray after a few years you don’t come blaming anyone for your choices.’ Saud said to her.
Laila stood in the middle of the kitchen & said to all the women gathered there ‘Hey girls, how many of you gets a hot metal rod between her legs every night with no sweet talk, no affection, no romance, fully dressed, no hugs, no kiss, no words or any other act of love, & then her husband rolls off her falling beside her like a dead corpse going into sleep totally forgetting about her & ignoring her feelings, how many of you live like that?!’
Haboon looked at her aunts & all the other women , all the women raised their hands including her aunts, the only ones who didn’t raise their hands were Haboon & the maid because they’re still girls!
A few months later all the women were again gathered at another kitchen doing once again all sorts of things, working, chanting songs, & chatting at the same time, they were gathered celebrating Nora’s fourth marriage & everyone was thrilled!